I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
