at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
