I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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