...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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