I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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