just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
