I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
