You're my little dorito
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
