Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
