i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
