Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
