I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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