i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
