Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
