Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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