HIV tests are more positive than that guy
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
