So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
