I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
