so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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