Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
