Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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