Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
