I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
