i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
