Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
