Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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