what day is it and did you see me today?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
