Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
