she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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