I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
