Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize