This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
