The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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