Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
