I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
