Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
