is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
