Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize