Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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