Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
