is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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