I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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