2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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