totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
