I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
