90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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