having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
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