So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
