Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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