This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
