I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
