Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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