Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
