I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
