I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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