Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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