You're a womanizer and a bitch.
look no pants
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
