I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
the liver wants what the liver wants
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
