i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw a hot homeless man
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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