i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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