the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
